Please Stand Up
The following is an excerpt from my (never-to-be published) book;
A few years ago Griffin and I found ourselves in one of the dirtiest fast food joints to have ever existed this side of Calcutta. It was at this time that Griffin was going through a phase where he insisted on visiting every public restroom he saw. He usually didn’t need to use the facilities. Mostly he just wanted to see if it was clean, well decorated and if it had a window. Unfortunately, sometimes he actually needed to use the bathroom for its intended purpose. It was these “active” excursions which forced me to temporarily abandon my germ phobia and clean off toilet seats for my stubborn son who refused to stand when he pees.
As recently as a few hundred years ago, men wanted male off spring to carry on their name, gain political power, plow their fields, and inherit their kingdoms. The only remaining modern day advantage of having boys is that they stand up when they piddle. For me, this last surviving perk of male progeny has been wiped out by Griffin’s insistence on sitting when he urinates.
For those readers of the female persuasion, a brief explanation of the dilemma this poses may be in order. The idea of lifting a seat, flushing, or even aiming at the toilet in a public men’s room is as foreign to guys as a unicorn wandering down 42nd Street. For that reason, it is only in the most extreme and dire situations in which a man will dare to sit in a public restroom. I have been known to endure intestinal ruptures in an effort to avoid this fate.
A very young boy can accompany his mom, if she is available, or be held over the seat by his father for a contactless deposit in other situations. However, even if the mom is present, bringing an eleven year boy into a women’s room is fraught with pitfalls we try to avoid. Even Arnold Schwarzenegger can’t hold Griffin’s hundred plus pound frame over the bowl while the boy chit chats about elevators instead of quickly doing his business.
Because of this, I’ve cleaned commodes on the New Jersey Turnpike, Canal Street, the Empire State Building, every Florida Theme Park (more than once), public beaches, sports arenas, and many others.
This particular beauty was beyond cleaning. It was worse than a Porta-Potty after a weekend of Grateful Dead shows. Decorating the seat was not an option. Nothing I could do without a pressure cleaner, a gallon of bleach, and a ShamWow would make the throne fit for use. We needed to stand. The urinal was only marginally better, but since Griffin was too short to use the sink and too classy to go on the floor, we had no choice. I helped him pull down his pants and stood behind him waiting for nature to call as Griffin screamed and protested. Since he was 11 or so at the time, the scene must have looked creepy to any other customers who wandered in.
While I was busy holding him up by his torso in a makeshift half nelson hold, Griffin decided the contents of the urinal needed to be emptied before he deposited his precious cargo in it. So he reached in and pulled out the rubber drain guard, pieces of chewed gum and fermented urinal cake. What little parental instincts I have kicked in and I grabbed the bounty from Griffin.
Before I knew it, I was the one holding the quickly crumbling and dripping hockey puck sized urinal mint. In my hands, moments before I was going to indulge in a few Whopper Juniors, was the residue of the excretion of countless BK patrons. As the unmistakable stench of urine, mucus and stale Juicy Fruit Gum surrounded us, I washed our hands furiously. The hand washing continued obsessively, like Lady Macbeth, for months to come. Needless to say, I did not eat that afternoon, but Griffin chowed down his double cheese burger and large fries without a second thought.
In a strange way this episode proved to be a great learning experience for me. Griffin, as he often does, forced me out of my comfort zone. I had to face my germ phobia straight on in the worst sort of way. It was horrifying and disgusting, but I didn’t die. I did not get ill. Best of all, I did not mindlessly inhale 1,500 empty calories and 100 grams of saturated fat.
© 2010, Big Daddy. All rights reserved.
Lil Sis Bffl
November 13th, 2010 at 9:28 am #
Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww Big daddy gross gross gross!!!! U didn’t have to tell us about your potty business with Griffin thats just plain wrong!! Ew ew ew ew ew ew ew ew!!! If lil sis told you to tell us that then OMG!! Lil sis is so funny but can gross me out sometimes!!
Lynn
November 13th, 2010 at 12:09 pm #
That is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. It’s like the desensitivation therapy that they put germaphobes through (yeah, I watch Dr. Drew). You have Griffin to thank for getting it for free.
So the book excerpts have commenced. Maybe I’ll make my guest post an excerpt from mine. Then we can both cry.
Jean
November 13th, 2010 at 3:15 pm #
Oh holy gawd.
My own autie dude has a few choice habits…inc dipping toilet roll into the toilet (he’s not fussy whether it’s been flushed or not) and eating it. I don’t feel quite so bad now. XXX
Laura
November 13th, 2010 at 3:32 pm #
That’s. Just. Wrong.
And your book should TOTALLY be published.
Mindee@ourfrontdoor
November 13th, 2010 at 5:31 pm #
I would have had to set my hands on fire after that.
Uggh.
Tanya @ TeenAutism
November 13th, 2010 at 6:33 pm #
Yeck. Glad I’m between meals at the moment!
jillsmo
November 13th, 2010 at 7:44 pm #
OH MY GOD!! I’ve seen a Porta-Potty after a weekend of Grateful Dead shows, too. EWWWW!!!!
Booyah's Momma
November 13th, 2010 at 9:43 pm #
This is hilarious, touching, and makes me want to lose my lunch at the same time. The things we do for our kids. I think I would probably be muttering “out, damn spot” for months after that as well.
Cheryl D.
November 14th, 2010 at 4:42 am #
Out damn urinal cake! Out I say! –BDA doing his impersonation of Lady Macbeth.
This post makes me glad I don’t have to ever enter a men’s room!
S-A Snyder
November 14th, 2010 at 12:09 pm #
Richly funny, honest And good writing. You should get your stories in print.
lifeasthemotherof4
November 14th, 2010 at 9:12 pm #
Oh, I’m laughing! The fourth of July, Will had an accident on Boston Common. I had to strip him naked in a porta potty that had been used by hundreds of thousands of people! It was awesome. Love your description!!
Jacquie
November 15th, 2010 at 10:08 pm #
That was damn funny! My husband always insists I take ben to the potty. He too is a germ freak (was that harsh?) But…. ahah! I know what the future will hold for him, so I’m willing to bide my time…..
Karla T
November 17th, 2010 at 10:41 am #
Reminds me of the Monk episode where he shook hands with a leper
Naomi
December 4th, 2010 at 9:54 am #
Actually I can relate. But we did not handle it as well. This was at a sandwich shop, not a BK, but my son did the same. He was also throwing himself on the floor and screaming. And someone called the police. I greeted him like an old friend whom I expected–because I did!
Sherri J
December 4th, 2010 at 9:59 am #
Oh my goodness! Not only do our kids go outside their comfort zone, but as parents we cross bridges we never expected. A new world opened to all of us.
Varda (SquashedMom)
December 4th, 2010 at 10:40 am #
Love that story. Yeah these kids are taking us out of our comfort zones all the time. Unfortunately, my 8 year old son Jake takes others out of their comfort zones at times, too. He is starting to get a bit big for me to take into the women’s room with me, but I can’t really quite send him into the men’s room alone yet. So I have to freak out some women a bit with a big loud boy in the women’s room sometimes. Too bad. My son comes first.
Tweets that mention Big Daddy Autism » Blog Archive » Please Stand Up -- Topsy.com
December 4th, 2010 at 10:41 am #
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by autismspeaks, Big Daddy Autism, Karen McCormack, Andrew Ryan, Lynn Hudoba and others. Lynn Hudoba said: RT @autismspeaks: Here is some humor for your Saturday! Enjoy the day! http://ow.ly/3jTLc [...]
ShayDLady
December 4th, 2010 at 11:45 am #
Please consider sharing your book with us. Just send that one story to a publisher, let them do the rest.
Maria S.
December 4th, 2010 at 12:53 pm #
Love your humor, reality and optimism. Refreshing.
Jennifer
December 4th, 2010 at 12:53 pm #
You are hysterical…your storytelling ability is awesome. We have been in similar situations unfortunately. Let’s see there was also the peeing on the couch cuz he was so excited when the “ball droppped” on New Years, Shooting a tampon from my purse during storytime, oh and never take an autistic kid who is verbal into a locker room…trust me you do not make lots of friends when they comment on physiques
diana
December 4th, 2010 at 1:33 pm #
What I want to know is . . . Has Griffin been standing up to pee now?
Tam
December 4th, 2010 at 1:50 pm #
As gross as this is, the worst part has to be “since Griffin was too short to use the sink” — seriously!? ewww!
Big Daddy
December 4th, 2010 at 7:36 pm #
@ShayDLady: Boy do I wish you were a publisher of agent! I haven’t given up on trying to get it published yet. Thanks so much for the compliment. I looove flattery!
Big Daddy
December 4th, 2010 at 7:48 pm #
Maria S: Thanks so much.
Big Daddy
December 4th, 2010 at 7:49 pm #
@Maria S: Thank you so much.
Big Daddy
December 4th, 2010 at 7:51 pm #
Jennifer: Your locker room experience is hilarious and precisely the reason we didn’t want Griffin to take PE in middle school. Luckily, they let him change in a private bathroom. No shooting tampons for us though.
Big Daddy
December 4th, 2010 at 7:52 pm #
Diana: Nope. Still not standing at 13.
Big Daddy
December 4th, 2010 at 7:53 pm #
Tam: I wish I had made that option up, but I’ve seen it employed many a time.
Big Daddy
December 4th, 2010 at 8:00 pm #
Sherri J: Yeah. This certainly wasn’t the first time the boy drove me clear out of my comfort zone, nor will it be the last.
Big Daddy
December 4th, 2010 at 8:01 pm #
Varda: When my wife is around, he proudly marches right into the women’s room with her.
TC
December 5th, 2010 at 9:04 am #
My son is 8, verbal, and at least as tall as most 10 year olds. Unless he is in hand-flapping mode, most strangers wouldn’t guess he was autistic . If my husband is not with us, he refuses to go in the men’s room by himself. I try to get him to go in by himself while I stand right outside the door. Well, once or twice I managed to convince him, while I stand right outside the door, with him screaming out every 5 seconds and me screaming back that I am still there. However, most times when I try to convince him to go in he yells and screams at me until everyone in the place is looking at me as if I am beating my kid. So I wind up taking him into the ladies room anyway where he is happily oblivious to the stares and rude looks.
Michelle
December 6th, 2010 at 11:58 am #
Love this story….been there. My son is 10, verbal, has Tourette’s as well and is oblivious to others. He stands, drops pants to his ankles and shoots left. On Black Friday last year, in the food court and in a moment of pure insanity I let him go into the men’s room with his 8 year old brother since the ladies room had a line. A few seconds later my 8 year old runs screaming from the rest room along with several irate men. With no open urinal or toilet, Ryan decided to stand behind everyone, drop his pant, sing Dashing through the Snow and proceeded to sprinkle everyone present. Suffice to say we stick to the Ladies room and stare down anyone foolish enough to questiona 10 year old’s presence
Isabella
December 8th, 2010 at 3:20 am #
…and I thought I was the only one that had a bathroom inspecter and toilet tester around…my now 13 year old has to go to every restroom and use it. A male teacher taught him to only use the men’s room and so what happens in there, I never know. All I know is it takes him forever to get out and men stare at me for “stalking” their entrance. I have learned to just smile and lift a shoulder.
Saving Lives – One Flush at a Time - Big Daddy Autism
June 10th, 2012 at 6:34 pm #
[...] loyal readers well know, although he is approaching fifteen years old, Griffin still refuses to stand like a man when emptying his bladder. Interestingly, even though he always sits, he refuses to poop in public restrooms. Odd. But [...]