The Cult of Saint Apollonia
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This is a picture of Paul Wight (ak.a. Big Show) I stole it from Wikipedia. Big Show is a professional wrestler who stands 7’0” tall and weighs 440 pounds. Give or take 50 pounds. Mr. Wight lives less than a few hours from me. So if he wants me to take this picture down, it will be taken down. Immediately. Other than this brief bio, Big Show’s need to be included in this blog will be revealed below.
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Saint Apollonia is apparently the patron saint of Dentists. True story. I see dentistry as a cult. Basically, you could be a non-cult-member, never go to see a Dentist in your life and lose your teeth at 60ish. The true Cult members, go for quarterly cleanings, suffer through root canals, have more cavities filled than they have teeth, and continually get berated for not flossing enough. Don’t even get me started on Wisdom Teeth. For all this loyalty and sacrifice, Cult members will lose their teeth at 70ish.
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Since I’m a parent, I have to pretend to be a member of the Cult and indoctrinate my kids or else Social Services may be at my doorstep before you can say, “Rinse and Spit.”. Stupid Social Services. So the kids have been avid cult members. Lil Sis finished her braces (maybe) and Griffin is still in “Phase 1” of Orthodontia Hell. Don’t know what “Phase 1” is, but I do know it costs $161.00 a month for 50 months.
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At this point in Phase 1, Griffin needs to have a bunch of teeth pulled and some sort of chain installed. Don’t ask me why this needs to be done. I am Cult member only for my kids. Anyhoo, for this procedure we need to see an oral surgeon. Probably costs a little less than a convertible Bentley but I’m sure it’ll be worth it. The procedure requires anesthesia. This means an IV. Griffin has never had an IV inserted and makes getting his finger pricked for a glucose strip test seem like a scene from Private Ryan. Not gonna be fun.
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I’m sure some of you who have smaller kids on the spectrum are saying, “That sucks. But you just have to hold them down for a few minutes and then the worst is over.” Uh huh. This is where Big Show enters our tale.
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They don’t call me Big Daddy for nothing. I tip the scales at near the big 300 (That’s 406 Kilometers for my British fans). Only I’m made mostly of Jelly Fish (38.2%) and Lard (96.77%). Griffin is like a Man-Boy as he approaches 16. He’s completely uncoordinated and could not physically or mentally hurt a fly. I’ve actually seen flies make Griffin cry. But he is large and he can flail his legs, arms and other seeming “unflailable” body parts like a bunch of drunken Ninjas at a Balsa Wood Convention. This is why I need to call in the big guns. Big Show!
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I just hope Big Show is available March 14 or I can see a lot of black eyes, bruised lips, and broken femur’s carried around by the oral surgeon, his staff, and any innocent bystanders.
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Call me Paul.
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© 2013, Big Daddy. All rights reserved.
dc
February 21st, 2013 at 5:30 pm #
You can get a numbing cream to apply on the usual IV site spots to help. EMLA cream is the one most used I think.
http://www.uwhealth.org/healthfacts/B_EXTRANET_HEALTH_INFORMATION-FlexMember-Show_Public_HFFY_1126660673362.html
Good luck!
Ashley
February 21st, 2013 at 5:34 pm #
We are not fans of the cult. We also do not enjoy needles. Last time he needed an IV, I walked away looking like the lone survivor of a slasher film. Not cool.
Handflapper
February 21st, 2013 at 8:55 pm #
Maybe he could have some Valium or something to chill him out first? My 25yo NT son has to have gas before he gets an IV started, but he’s just a big baby. Poor Griffin. Poor you. Good luck!
Karla T
February 21st, 2013 at 9:11 pm #
Good laugh!
I have 3 in braces. I probably could have just bought my own island.
I hope A. Big Show shows up or B. Things turn out better than you fear
Big Daddy
February 22nd, 2013 at 2:52 am #
Great ideas guys. I’ve decided to take the valium and laughing gas for myself and just let Big Show sit on the boy. A once in a lifetime adventure for Griffn. Now if I could just get the Rock to be the tooth fairy, this ordeal is looking more like a walk in the park. I’m wearing red, just in case.
kellyg
February 22nd, 2013 at 9:54 am #
Does Griffin take oral meds? Versed is another option to get him loopy enough to get the IV in. Or it could make him even madder. Or if he’s anything like my kid, refuse the Versed altogether, throw it back up, etc.
So, yeah. Maybe I’m not as helpful as I think I am. And again, not really helpful, but I can empathize. My kid is big for his age and I dread the next time we need to do a “procedure”.