Big Daddy Autism

Griffin is more obsessed with talking about his own health than Richard Simmons and Jack LaLanne combined. The thing he is, he is all talk and no exercise or dietary restraint. Irrespective, he takes his health seriously. A great example of this is a recent father-son outing to Steak –n- Shake, that bastion of healthy eating!

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The milkshakes had arrived and the food was on the on the way. So, all was good with Big Daddy and Griffin. Then it happened.   He started to panic and blurted;

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“I will not die! I will not die! I will not die! I will not die! I will not die!”

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Since milkshakes are a regular part of his diet, I was surprised that he would, all of sudden, be concerned with cholesterol or triglycerides.  But no.  Once there was a brief break in the hysteria, I ascertained that his fear of immediate death was brought upon by getting a tiny piece of the straw wrapper in his mouth.

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Yup, the kid who eats Doritos by the case and used to dine on dirt, was now convinced his time in this world was about to end because a miniscule piece of paper touched the inside of his mouth. Though I was able to calm him down a bit, he spent the next several days wiping his tongue ferociously.

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I’m still not altogether convinced that he believes he is out of the woods from the accidental straw wrapper consumption. We are monitoring the situation closely.

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For the record; I’m fairly certain he did not get “hit.”

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Friday night is usually pizza night at Casa de Big Daddy.  Griffin, of course, knows this and starts to think (and talk) about it early every Monday morning.  Last Friday, when Griffin arrived home after school he began moaning:

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“I am STARVING!!!!”

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To me this just seemed like his way of signalling it was time to call the pizareria. Concerned, Mrs. Big Daddy replied:

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“Why are you starving?”

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Griffin quickly responded in a matter of fact fashion:

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“I have been starving myself all day because we are having pizza tonight?”

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At this point the conversation became a bit surreal.  Kafka and Dali would be proud:

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MRS BD:  “Didn’t you eat breakfast at school?”

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Griffin: “Yep!  Doubles of breakfast burritos!”

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MRS BD: “And what about lunch?”

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Griffin:  “Cheeseburger, double fries and a smoothie!!! It was good.”

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MRS BD: Didn’t I just see you inhale a bag of Doritos about five minutes ago.

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Griffin:  “Yep.  And some water”

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MRS BD: “If you’ve already had breakfast burritos (doubles), lunch, a smoothie and a bag of chips, how is that considered ‘starving yourself’ and why are you so hungry at 4:00?”

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Griffin: “Because we are having pizza tonight!”

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Duh! Not even Aristotle could argue with that logic

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It’s times that like that I know the kid (at least his appetite) is mine and he makes me proud.

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Obviously, Mother’s Day 2012 is in the past and many a divorce lawyer is being flooded with initial consultations.  Thankfully, the Big Daddy Clan avoided (just barely) a similar fate. I think. I hope. Um, I’ll get back to you on that one.

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Like many kids, Griffin made a gift for his mom in school.  This year it was a canvas / beach bag with little sayings and notes to mom written or drawn on.  Griffin’s was covered with all the typical sayings that were obviously “suggested” to him but we believe one of the sentiments towards the top of the bag was 100% his own.  Smooshed right between “My mom is my valentine” and “Mom is great” was this beauty,

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“I love my mom because she brings me to fast food restaurants!”

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I didn’t scribble it on a tote bag, but that’s also one of the reasons I love Mrs. Big Daddy.

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