Big Daddy Autism

Griffin has a great sense of humor. He usually doesn’t tell jokes, but he acts silly for a laugh and he understands sarcasm. Maybe not all the subtle nuances and cleverness you all are used to in my poop and fart posts. But most of the time he can tell when we are teasing him.

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The other Friday evening, Lil Sis was at a sleepover, Mrs. Big Daddy was sound asleep, and Griffin was readying himself for bed. Since about 15 minutes had passed since my 4^th “last” late night snack, I thought it time for a Turkey breast sandwich.

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My prose may be brilliant, but I am a bumbling idiot when it comes to figuring out how to open food packaging these days. There was some “easy open freshness seal” on the package of lunch meat, but I had to resort to opening it Neanderthal style. There was grunting and stabbing with primitive tools.

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As I was finally making my sandwich, Griffin came into the kitchen for a glass of water and, with comic timing that would put Jay Leno to shame, he said;

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“What is all the noise in here? Are you having a party?”

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Okay. So it wasn’t A-List material. But coming from Griffin, it was truly spectacular.  I was still chuckling as he pranced (yes he prances) off to brush his teeth. No more than a few seconds later, I heard him drop his plastic toothbrush holder on the tile floor of the bathroom. It made a racket.  So, being the comic genius I am, I made way over to the bathroom and said;

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“What is all the noise in here? Are you having a party?”

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It’s what we refer to in the comedy biz as a “callback.” Griffin and I started to laugh hysterically! I think he got the irony of the situation. Griffin telling a goofy joke is nothing new. However, sharing in some irony with me was tremendous.

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He’s always understood the sarcasm (survival instinct in our family). A few weeks ago he showed me some empathy when I was in the hospital. And now, irony!

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Who would’ve thought?

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I was recently hospitalized. Nothing unusual about that. My stays at these lovely places are so common place that the family has fallen into a comfortable routine whenever I go. This is good because Griffin is deathly fearful of Emergency Rooms. He believes that even talking about one will somehow impede on his self-determined life expectancy of 93 years. Even if it is me, not him, visiting the ER.

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So our hospital routine usually involves Mrs. Big Daddy swinging the car in front of the ER and slowing down just enough so I can roll out and into triage. She then occupies the kids until I am admitted to a real room and they come visit. Griffin clearly does not enjoy these visits, but he tolerates them better than the ER.

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On my recent visit, the ER was really crowded and it took over 12 hours for me to push through and get admitted to the ICU. Yay overcrowded ERs!! Maybe due to the vomiting and pain I suffered, I forgot my phone when we set off from home.  I have a hospital-to-go bag always packed and ready.  But my phone is usually the last to be stowed since I use it every day.

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Mrs. Big Daddy had no way to get updates on my status and became concerned. (She’s sweet like that.) So, over Griffin’s strenuous objections, the family needed to come meet me while I was still in my tiny ER cubicle.

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When they arrived, Griffin went straight to a chair in the corner to ride out the visit. Mrs. Big Daddy and Lil Sis quickly got the low down and prepared to leave. As they were going, I knew I’d be lucky to even get a grunted, “Bye” from Griffin, but I reached out my hand for Lil Sis to hold. Just to let her know I was okay, but mainly because I like holding her hand.

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As my hand was outstretched, before Lil Sis’ warm little hand could reach it, I felt a big sweaty, clammy, floppy, dead fish of a hand plop down in mine. Unbeknownst to me, Griffin had darted across the room and wanted to be a part of the hand holding. It seemed like his way of letting me know that he was scared – not just for his own life expectancy but also for my well-being.

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Lil Sis joined the hand holding and for about 10 seconds, I felt as though I was not ill and could just walk out the door with them, hand in hand in hand. But they left and I stayed.

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I didn’t wipe Griffin’s sweat off my hand for hours. But, unrelated to the hand holding, I did go back to vomiting and writhing in pain fairly soon after they departed. It wasn’t quite as unpleasant as before the hand holding, though.

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Although the Big Daddy Clan’s religious affiliations range from heathenism to secularlism to pantheism and beyond, we want to wish you all –>

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A recent homework assignment required Griffin to name his hero and give three reasons why he chose that person.  Despite some serious lobbying and bribery, alas, Big Daddy was not chosen. Griffin chose his mommy, Mrs. Big Daddy.

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It is cute that a 15 year old would choose his mommy as his hero.  However, before we start “oohing” and “ahhing” about it, let us take a look at his three reasons behind the adorable choice;

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1.  She feeds me.

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2.  She keeps me safe.

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3.  I forgot.

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Anyone who knows Griffin knows that number one was a no brainer. Number two seems pretty logical.  It’s number three where he goes off the rails.  I’m sure he’ll come up with something the next time Mrs. Big Daddy travels 30 miles out of her way so he can see new traffic lights and ride elevators at a mall he’s never visited before.

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Actually, there are about 15,000 reasons why his mom is his hero.  One them being she’d let him get away with being lazy and not coming up with a good third reason why she’s his hero on the homework assignment. He knows it. We all do.

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As for me being overlooked for this honor, I’m not surprised.  If I’m in the mood for a Whopper, I’ll take him to Burger King.  Other than that, despite my aggressive efforts, even I can’t come up with two more in my favor.  Maybe I’ll try to distract him from the real issues with cookies and milkshakes in my next campaign.

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Get used to it!  Big Daddy is over at dadditudes again today.  What can I say, they run a classy joint over there and this gives me an excuse to virtually go someplace else.  Technically, I’m still lying in bed.  But it seems like I’m being all active and stuff.  I posted Sound of Sunset over there.  It’s a rewrite of one of my more poignant pieces that ran on this blog a few years back.  Bring some Kleenex and come back here tomorrow.  Maybe I’ll be here, maybe I won’t.

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Do you guys need my stupid guest posting cartoon or can you figure out that you just need to click on the link above to get my brillian post at dadditudes?

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Oh just click already.  And leave some comments so I get invited back.

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